yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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