Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
