my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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