Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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