I look better un-naked...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
