god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
