When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
