i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
