just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
