i wish starbucks made bloody marys
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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