I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
