You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
