I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
