You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
