Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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