apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
