feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
