My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
