well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
