I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
