we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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