what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
