32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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