brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
