dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
