I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
