dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
