My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize