Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
