The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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