Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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