True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
