i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
