just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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