My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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