I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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