were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize