No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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