**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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