nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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