Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You need a sexual gate keeper
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
