There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
