Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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