If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
