I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
