So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
being pregnant is like rehab
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize