seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
