I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
