HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
