I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
