I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
