New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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