her vagine was all disorganized.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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