Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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