Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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